Kali Ma.
I’ve had a terrible/wonderful morning. I woke up at 2 am in a full blown panic episode. I was sleeping in Barbara’s bed and was alone in the house where I’m renting a room. It was my first night there. Also there’s snow coming. Also, there’s a whole lot of self judgement and suffering I’m creating about my place in it and my relationship to it. It’s so much easier for me to stay in the office. I felt pushed off my land and was rigidly attacking myself over it.
I woke up. Tried deep Ujaya breathing. Berimbau. Moving to the couch. Praying. That was helpful. Everytime I’d start to nod off I would jolt out of sleep freaking out. That is called hypervigilance. PTSD’ers have it. I starting praying to the Virgin and holding my hand over my heart. I’d asked for “calm”. Or, “healing”. Or “safe”. But still it would happen.
Eventually I gave into to being awake and chanted a little and sat a little. I had a LOT of my Jewish friends call “Sphilkes”. I thought I could teach an AWESOME “Sphilkes Management” workshop. I’ve got all kinds of techiniques. Breathing. Mantra. Spontaneous song. Ballet. Mindful walking.
I saw a great icon of a dark Kali like Buddhist avenging spirit on Barbara’s wall. I really tried to take her into me. To see that all my pain, suffering, desire to blame, desire for vengenance are aspects of this fierce god that we usually direct outside of us into the external world. I asked for deep healing and it was revealed to see how those unpleasant thoughts and desires are actually INSIDE me. How Kali is kissing me to make friends with these dark places. To lean INTO them.
Immediately, I started to focus. I started to ground. I started to be present. I started singing a song I composed to her but I found it was a distraction. She wasn’t interested in my praises just my healing and for that I had to stay focused on the download she was giving me. Here’s the song anyway if you’re interested. I wrote it months ago.
A couple of big insights came to me. One was that I needed to not blame my mother for some negative parts of our relationship. She did the best she could and there were things happening while she was pregnant that probably affect me to this day. I brought a lot of reiki sei hei ki to that time. Also, Swami J. Kind of plump. Seeing an image of him made me feel grounded.
I had a moment of howling, “HOW DO I HEAL!?” And his image sort of told to sit still and allow all the anguish in. Not to fight it with movement, song, what I’m calling “Sphilkes Management”. Just to allow it in.
I got very still and sure enough it started to transform and yield up even MORE information. It was hard to hold onto the stillness but it’s lesson stuck. That’s part of the reason I’m writing it down this very minute.
Another concerned something Jamine said about getting a bigger problem. I starting wretching and the pain in my guts actually took my mind off my mind. I’m concerned that this kind of insight could become an eating disorder or something like that.
Also many other little insights but those were what I wanted to write. I stressed out on the way to work but talked with Maintenance about where to park and what to do about snow and feel much better. Jai Kali Ma! I had some sardines and am starting my day’s work. I hope this lessons stick and facilitate more healing for myself and others.
from an image search for "Kali"
